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"There that should stop you burning your mouth..." 7 November, 2005.
"Prince William and Kate's engagement has everyone off the front pages..." 20 November 2010
"You need the Lib-Dems to govern Britain, David, so let's talk turkey..." "You want to talk turkey, Nick, ok, lets talk turkey..." "Did someone mention turkey? Relax, I'm stepping down..." 12 May 2010
"Yo Blair! We gotta do something about them t-towel heads in the Middle East, man this Russki meat is tough..." "Would you like me to chew it for you, Sir." 21 July, 2006.
"During my Downing Street years I realised I was increasingly turning to alcohol as a prop..." "Talk about coincidence - that's when you drove us to drink..." 4 September 2010
"Mixed bag this poll, Sir. Most of the electorate think you're an untrustworthy, two-faced, smarmy, self-righteous tosser who sucks up shamelessly to the Americans..." "Any negative attitudes?" 2 May, 2005.
"That ominous dark cloud blotting out the sun, Constable. Not more of that volcanic ash from Iceland is it?" "Chickens coming home to roost, Prime Minister..." 27 April 2010
"Couldn't freshen my gin, could you, there's a good chap..." "Stop it, your Royal Highness, you're killing me..." 4 April 2009
"The bad news about climate change is the Greenland ice shelf will melt. The good is much of the Middle East will be under water..." 28 March, 2006.
In a show of strength Putin orders aging Russian bear H-bombers back into the skies... "Do you have any chewing gum and string we can borrow? We can't shut the bomb bay doors properly... 27 August, 2007
"Chopping the thieving hand. Other Sharia punishments include stoning homosexuals to death... Biting the hand - teaching this barbarism in Islamic schools in modern tolerant Britain." 3 December 2010
"Is that the England coach? Helen Clark here, how would you like a new job?" 'England netball team comes back from the dead - ENG 40, NZ 38.' 17 October, 2008.
"If I were Lord Lucan, on balance, I would prefer to drown in the English Channel." 11 August, 2007
"Discriminating against discrimination... They can't be allowed to get away with this!" 4 February 2010
"Tony Blair's still trapped in there. Worried back-benchers are digging a tunnel but fears are mounting they won't get him out before the next election..." 11 May, 2006.
Fergi caught in a scam. "Hello Honky Tonk. Fancy a threesome with a royal? Give us half a million quid and I'll throw in a corgi..." 25 May 2010
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